Dating apps are the closest thing we have to human echolocation, and the signals that get sent out determine the signs of life that come back. At this point, most users have enough experience to spot the cliches (guy holding up a fish, anyone?) or the uninspired defaults (“I know the best place in town for tacos”). People are bringing a higher bar and a more critical eye to dating apps than ever – and profile language needs to be chosen with care if the goal is to make real connections.

The basics aren’t so basic

Real estate is limited in a dating profile. Including introductory details such as political affiliation, religion, or star sign isn’t just saying you’re a liberal/catholic/Scorpio. It’s also saying that this matters enough to you, or is integral enough to who you are, to get prime billing. You put “catholic,” and someone might hear, “not interested in anyone who isn’t also catholic.” If that’s true, then mission accomplished. If it’s not, be careful not to eliminate too much of the dating pool before you get a chance to interact.

Focus on what you WANT over what you DON’T

It’s important to know what doesn’t work for you, but that doesn’t mean you have to say it outright. For example, if punctuality is a big deal, you might be inclined to say, “Don’t match with me if you’re always late.” Is that accurate? Sure. Does it come off as negative and judgmental? Yes. Instead, find a positive reframe that makes the same point: “Looking for someone who is also 10 minutes early to everything.”  This has the secondary benefit of rooting your language in what you want in a partner, as opposed to what you want them to know about you. Now, it’s about finding the right fit instead of finding someone who meets your standards.

Be functional with friction

Hot takes can be a great conversation starter, but you need to be strategic about using them. Firstly, limit yourself to one. Secondly, try and avoid the common pitfalls:

1. The duh – “weekends > weekdays”
2. The tired – “pineapple has no place on pizza”
3. The elitist – “If you didn’t know Georgia is also a country, swipe left”

Instead, aim for relatable, low-stakes, and intriguing. This creates low-hanging fruit for likely matches looking for a way to start a conversation. Something like “2017 was the best year in the history of music” or “I’m convinced everyone is goofy, wacky, zany, OR quirky – but no one can be more than one of them.” Alternatively, you can go niche but know it will streamline the pool of respondents – “Gimli was the most valuable member of the fellowship: fight me.”

From not trying to try hard, aim for the middle

The go-to move when drafting a profile is to crack a joke (or several). People want to be seen as fun, funny, and like they’re not taking themselves too seriously. Fair enough, but there’s a tipping point. If every prompt response is a witty one-liner, a potential match might conclude there’s not much substance on offer – or that this person cares more about looking cool than looking for love. On the other hand, the straightforward and minimalist approach looks like not caring at all. A profile that could double as a conversation between a parent and their sullen teenager (I enjoy spending time: outside…Things I’m looking for in a partner: shared interests) offers too little conversational kindling. Every piece of language in a profile is a serve over the net – how well does it set up the return?

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Red flag round-robin

As a bonus, here’s a quick-fire series of language that does double duty as a warning sign, and what it unintentionally communicates.

1. No drama – I am the drama.
2. Don’t hate me if I’m the funny one – I’m not funny. Also, I am fragile when I’m not the center of attention.
3. Sex-positive – I am here for one reason only, and it’s not to meet your parents
4. You might be worth my time if…/Don’t waste my time unless… – I use phrases like “out of your league” or “alpha male” unironically
5. Not looking for a pen pal – I’m not willing to invest much time in this.
6. Looking for a girl who doesn’t take herself too seriously – Women having boundaries or opinions is inconvenient.

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A good dating profile is filled with what feels like fragments of an ongoing conversation…statements that spark questions, opinions that beg a rebuttal, and confessions that invite co-conspirators. It’s important to try on both roles when choosing the right language and remember; it’s not what you say; it’s what they hear.